Beasley family responds to father’s semen scheme

I understand that my father, Horace Beasley, wants to market his semen. May I add my personal testimony to his assurance that use of Beasley’s Best Unadulterated Semen will indeed result in a genetically superior child. 
Hadrian Beasley
Pattaya
PS, I want a cut of the profits.

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My spies inform me that my loony father is trying to market his semen through your columns, and that my deviant brother is supporting him.
Please inform your readers that, whatever these two clowns may have said, my father’s semen is effective in producing genetically superior offspring only when said offspring is female.
Male offspring tend to be severely retarded, even autistic. My brother has come a long way since his lobotomy, but he is still seriously  dysfunctional.  
Hortense Beasley
Possum Creek, Mississippi, USA