Red-blooded Americans shaken and stirred by ‘Mushroomgate’ 

While I am no fan of Donald Trump, as a patriotic, flag-waving, card-carrying, whisky-drinking, cocaine-snorting, red-blooded Amurcan (“USA all the way!”), I am perturbed to learn that Stormy Daniels (can we have more photos of her?) found his sexual performance unimpressive.
Americans want their president to be a major stud muffin. Since he is the most powerful entity in the known universe, his sexual prowess should come close to matching his nation’s military, economic and political might. And if it proves substandard, Americans ought to have the power to remove him from office, whether through impeachment or some other means.
But perhaps we need to cut The Donald some slack. He was born in 1946. At the time of his, uh, liaison with Ms Daniels in 2006, he would have been 60. One does not expect a man of 60 to be as sexually robust as, say, a young buck of 25. Currently he is 72, and we have yet to get Melania’s evaluation of his present prowess. Hopefully, some day she, like Ms Daniels, will write a tell-all book. 
In the meantime, as if we didn’t have enough investigations going on already, I call upon the US Congress to launch an investigation into this seminal issue, and would not rule out a subpoena of the First Organ for Congressional examination in an open hearing (and viewing). The article refers vaguely, and in an unclear context, to something in the shape of a toadstool. I hope it’s a big one.
Horace Beasley