Where did you get that hat, Serena?

I watched the British royal wedding on television and, like everybody else, I wish the happy couple a joyful marriage and the best of luck for the future. 
The bride was beautiful and the groom was dashing, although he could have used a shave. I know that I’m an old fuddy-duddy, and the current style is the scruffy look with a three-to-five-day stubble, but this is sloppy and makes the wearer look like Pete the Tramp. In Prince Harry’s case, it makes him look like Prince Pete the Tramp. 
I hope that Princess Meghan’s first royal duty will be to make him either grow a proper beard or shave the bloody thing off. 
If we really want to shake up royal tradition, there is one improvement that needs to be made before the next royal wedding. At this one there were too many women wearing silly hats: huge, garish hats, grotesquely shaped and often featuring feathers or fruit. Feathers belong on birds and fruit on trees. 
As I recall, Serena Williams wore the stupidest one, but Princess Kate came close. You can probably spot sillier ones if you review the TV footage.
The only sensible hat was the one worn by the bride’s mother, who was a model of dignity, simplicity and grace amid all the celebrity flash and thunder.
 I personally favour baseball caps. These are the most functional and intelligently designed form of headgear ever invented, and I hope to see them replace the ridiculous feather-and-fruit monstrosities at the next royal wedding.  
They also suggest a democratic egalitarianism that will not be lost on fans of the New Monarchy. Ban the silly hats, and if women wear headgear at all, make them wear baseball caps.
Horace Beasley
Connoisseur of feminine headgear