THURSDAY, March 28, 2024
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Looking for a mate

Looking for a mate

Foreigners seek partners to share lives in Japan

RECENTLY, I set out to learn what it is like for a foreigner to look for a spouse in Japan.
I had heard about a speed-dating event in the Yurakucho district of Tokyo and went to check it out. Sixteen foreign men living in Japan and 13 Japanese women were meeting one-on-one this weekend evening, with each pair being given three minutes to introduce themselves before switching partners.

Looking for a mate

Nick talks with a Japanese woman at a speeddating event in Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo./Yomiuri Shimbun

Nick, 33, was born in Hong Kong and now lives in Katsushika Ward, Tokyo, working for a real estate-related company. He previously worked for a life insurance company in Hong Kong, but after becoming unwell from the stress at work there, he moved to Japan in 2017. He says that he has long been enamoured with the traditional culture of Japan. An affable smile upon his face, he was engaged in a lively conversation with a woman.
“I go to some sort of event almost every week. I have been thinking about bringing up a child, so I would like to get married soon,” he tells me.
“With a Japanese woman?” I ask.
“My impression is that they are kind and respect their husbands. Hong Kong women are strong-willed. I was surprised when I saw women in Japan riding a bicycle carrying children in both the front and rear child seats. In Hong Kong, it’s common for a maid to handle the household chores and childcare. I want to raise my kids as husband and wife. I think Japanese women are down-to-earth in that respect.”
I had never thought to look at a woman on a bike in that way.
I have a feeling that this view of women might be a bit exaggerated, but Nick speaks Japanese proficiently, so I feel like he is sufficiently able to express his feelings.
Nick didn’t meet the right person that evening. His acquaintances recommended getting someone at his workplace to introduce him to someone, but he felt uncomfortable, worrying about what would happen if things didn’t go well. Dejectedly, he says: “It’s tough. Perhaps I’ll give up on the dating scene for a while.”

Looking for a mate

A self-introduction card at a marriage-hunting event /Yomiuri Shimbun

However, just two weeks later, he sends me an email, saying, “I am returning to the dating world, and I will not give up that easily.”
Another male participant to the event was a 27-year-old American named Stephan, who is tall and has long red hair. After arriving in Japan in September 2014, he began modelling and has appeared in commercials for Japanese companies and fashion magazines, among others.
He seems to have had plenty of encounters, but in asking how they went, it seems that the relationships didn’t last.
“Small things become massive. And I never know what the small things are because they never communicate them,” Stephan says. He added, “Japanese girls will say: ‘That’s Japanese culture. Cultural difference.’ We didn’t talk about the small things. It’s easy to say ‘cultural difference’ because they never consider the deeper issue.”
He seems to have a little difficulty communicating with Japanese women.
“I ask lots of girls, ‘What is your type?’ and they all say the same things, like ‘gentleman.’ Just kind of vague things, and that could be anybody that can match that description. It’s like everyone should be kind. They don’t really think enough about what they’re looking for. If you don’t know what you looking for, [you] can’t find it,” he laments.
On the other hand, he is very clear about what he wants from a partner. Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink too much, is moderately active, speaks English fairly well, and is not a party person.

Looking for a mate

Stephan in Shibuya Ward, Tokyo /Yomiuri Shimbun

I thought there must be a woman who is comfortable with a relationship where she and her partner can explain everything.
Changing venues to the Nishi-Kasai district in Edogawa Ward, Tokyo, home to Japan’s largest Indian community, I spoke with Geetu, 27, who came to Japan with her parents in 2017 when they opened an Indian grocery store.
She helps her parents in the shop and goes out with Japanese friends on her days off. Thinking about how common it is in India to have an arranged marriage at an early age, she is comfortable with the single life in Japan, saying, “It’s easy and I can do whatever I please.” She also has a budding dream to try another job.
However, when thinking about her prospects for getting married, which her parents are urging her to do, it seems that she’ll end up in arranged nuptials with an Indian man after all.
“My mother cannot speak Japanese. Marrying a Japanese man would be unthinkable because there are too many differences in religion and culture. I am not able to fundamentally change at this point.”
Her Japanese friends talk about romance, which doesn’t interest her. “I want to find someone to marry, but I do not need a boyfriend.”
However, it’s hard for her to find a suitable partner even in her own community, where many of the men are already married. Geetu says that recently her father, Pradeep, 51, registered her with a smartphone dating app.
Matchmaking services geared toward foreigners are a niche field, but with the enactment of the revised Immigration Control and Refugee Recognition Law, companies in the dating industry are forecasting an increase in users of services catering to foreigners.
The organiser of the speed-dating event is Yokohama-based Exeo Japan. They started such events in Tokyo in 2011 and now have eight locations open around Japan. Approximately 2,500 foreign men in total have participated so far. Events for foreign women have not been organised because they couldn’t get a sufficient number of participants.
Shiho Kitagawa, 31, who is in charge of public relations at Exeo Japan, says: “If the number of international users increases, we can provide an even more diverse array of meeting possibilities.”
According to Tokyo-based eureka, Inc, operator of the matchmaking app Pairs, foreign members currently account for one per cent of users. A spokesperson for the company said: “Many foreign people are less likely to be resistant to meeting up via an app compared to Japanese people. We are expecting to increase users in the future. We believe it is necessary to explore new developments such as localising into multiple languages.”

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