A modest proposal for the (dis)United States
I have a modest proposal for dealing with the great divide that has arisen between liberals and conservatives in the United States. It follows a solution pioneered on the Indian subcontinent in 1947, and observes the principle, “If a country is divided, divide it.”
Skilled feng shui practitioners shall divide the United States into three parts. The east and west coasts shall constitute one nation, the Coastal States of America (CSA). That’s where all the liberals and left-wing radicals live, in cities like New York and San Francisco. They want to succour every child, put food in every mouth, heal every wound, welcome all immigrants, and set them up in condos on Malibu Beach at government expense. Coastal Staters watch Christiane Amanpour on CNN.
The middle states shall be called the Middle States of America (MSA). They don’t have any coasts except the southern one on the Gulf of Mexico. The middle states are where all the conservatives and right-wing reactionaries live, in cities like Nashville and Omaha. They want to abuse every child, rip food out of every mouth, pour poison into every wound, catch all the immigrants, and feed them to the crocodiles. Middle Staters watch Sean Hannity on Fox News.
This solution will necessitate a massive transfer of populations as conservatives flee the coastal states to join their ideological soulmates in the heartland and liberals flee the heartland to join their ideological soulmates on the coasts. As with the partition of India and Pakistan in 1947, there is likely to be great bloodshed and many massacres, but in this case the result will be worth it. No longer will we have one great nation with a diverse population riven by quarrelling and dissension. Instead, we will have two smaller nations with ideologically homogeneous populations of citizens who think exactly the same way. Won’t that be an achievement to be celebrated?
There will be great financial benefits to the construction industries in both nations, for the division will necessitate building not one wall, but three. Maybe they could even have a fourth wall along the Canadian border for purposes of symmetry.
I offer this solution purely in the interests of peace on earth, good will to men. Not to mention women, children and LGBTs. It will also facilitate the rise of China and Russia, who have been kept down far too long.
Stalin Wong
