Gender is not the problem

My dee friend doesn’t call me often for a “consultation”, but when she does, something major has happened in her love life. The first time she confessed she had feelings for a tom. Luckily I’d studied the sexuality and the fluidity between them for a while, so I wasn’t surprised much. I could only comfort her and reassure her that her feelings were absolutely ordinary. I ended with humour: Be straight on the days you fall for a man and lesbian for the rest.

We lost touch for many months, but then she came back, updating me that she’d broken up with her friend. I didn’t comment, but only listened to her story. I knew she’d recover, just like other times when she’d had straight affairs. 

But the consultations got progressively harder. The latest tom she’d dated distressed her more than any other. She called me one day to say she was going straight again because loving tom caused too much sadness. She thought she’d have more success loving men.

I reminded her about her first boyfriend. She went crazy when I told her he went out with another girl behind her back. I realised that men and tom weren’t the problem for her – it was our age. We get more fragile as we grow older. We have higher expectations because we’re old enough to be able to do it better – and then we fail more often. 

I never meant to fit her in a box called “women who love women”. I told her, “Be the person who’s happy.” 

Her latest call was to say she’d made up with her ex-girlfriend, and she sounded really happy.

I think that she’s too focused on gender, as are most members of our society. We are told to “be” a certain gender and do it properly. Men, women, gay, katoey, tom, dee and lesbian have their own ways to tell society who they are. If we don’t follow the rules, our sexuality will be suspect.

I think my friend is in the wrong lane especially when she thinks that the success in love only comes to straight people. She regards this as a rule, so she can’t see what’s really breaking her heart every time. 

It has nothing to do with her being straight or lesbian at all. I hope she will get past the gender myth soon and be happy – whoever she is.