Thursday, April 02, 2020

The real winner of Miss Universe? The cockroach

Dec 18. 2018
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Re: “Diversity a real winner as Miss Philippines crowned in pageant,” front page, December 18.

I watched the Miss Universe finals on TV. I didn’t see the whole thing – just the last part – and my understanding of the audio was limited by the mixed Thai-English voiceover. But I think the following observations are valid.

Miss Venezuela should have won. She was gorgeous, she was regal, she outclassed all the other contestants, and she never stopped smiling. The fact that she did not win first prize I regard as an eternal crime against humanity.

I have to confess that my lack of enthusiasm for Miss Philippines as the winner may be based on a bias I have against bright red lipstick. I favour natural lips on a woman – failing that, a simple lip gloss or a lipstick of subdued reddish hue. Bright red lipstick makes a woman look like a honky-tonk girl. Aside from her lipstick, I have nothing against Miss Philippines.

Miss Thailand was a disappointment. She didn’t smile. Thailand is the Land of Smiles, remember? A Thai candidate who never smiles deserves to lose.

Steve Harvey as MC has passed his sell-by date and needs to be replaced by somebody more charismatic.

I should let pass without comment the disgustingly politically correct questions the contestants were asked. They were specifically designed to evoke the most mind-numbing platitudes, or at least soporific “yes, but…” treacle. “Why is freedom of the press important?” “What do you think of legalising marijuana?” “Should countries limit immigration of refugees?” “Are [beauty] pageants archaic and against feminism?” Jesus! These ladies are beauty queens, not political pundits. I couldn’t make out the answers because of the voiceovers, but I’m sure they were all barfworthy. 

And the Big Kahuna, asked of all three finalists: “What is the most important lesson you’ve learned, and how would you apply it as Miss Universe?” Even I, limited in brains and eloquence though I am, can tell you the optimum answer to that one, sure to win first prize: “Ew! We must love one another! Yes! Everybody should love everybody! We should love every creature, from the noblest human being down to the lowest cockroach. All you need is love. John Lennon said so. As Miss Universe, I shall proclaim to the world the glorious message of universal looooove. So go home tonight, people, and cuddle your cockroach.”

An Observer (male)

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