Coaching Q&A: Coaching for influencing skills

Consider these excerpts from coaching conversations:

--The subject of charisma always interests me a lot because I think I am short of it. There is something about me that prevents me from bringing out my best. Can you help me to understand it better?  

Charisma is the magnetism in a person that attracts people to them. When we have it, we increase our personal power through leading, persuading, convincing, inspiring and influencing. Without it, we cannot convey trust, likeability and credibility to others.

The Bottom Line: Everyone can build their charisma through two levels. At the intrinsic level (which is more important), where the focus is on identifying and then "repairing" disempowering and negative areas in a person's emotional state. These areas can be their outlook on life, the conviction of their beliefs, their passion and excitement about the things they do, their confidence, and so on. At the extrinsic level, the focus is on exterior aspects like clothing, mannerisms, voice quality and communication ability.

Powerful Questions:  When you are with people or addressing them, do they listen attentively to you? Why do you think they listen or not listen to you? How can you find out? What do you want people to do for you? What do you need to do to achieve this? 

--Many people visit my wife, who is suffering from a rare illness. While I appreciate them visiting her, I get annoyed with some of them. After a brief show of concern, they begin stating their opinions on happenings around them or even showing off their knowledge. Suddenly, they become the centre of attention, rather than my wife. Is there something I can learn from this behaviour?      

It really boils down to a person's empathy skills. Those who have empathy skills are outwardly driven; they care about other people's experiences, feelings, needs and wants. Those who have less of this - the people you're talking about - are more inwardly driven by their greater eagerness to talk more about themselves than anybody else. 

The Bottom Line: When talking with people, always ensure that attention is shifted more to the other person than to yourself.  Even though they may want to know more about you, be sensitive and be aware that you must avoid grabbing all the attention, because they should be the ones in the spotlight. This helps to address the ego needs of people - that is, giving them the respect and attention they deserve.            

Powerful Questions: How often do people enjoy a conversation with you? When they do, what are the usual reasons? When they are not, what reasons could there be for this? How can you tune your conversation so that you are always mindful that the other person should be given the spotlight? 

Michael Heah is a coach credentialed by the International Coach Federation. He can provide coaching programmes leading to ICF coach certification. Visit www.corporate-coachacademy.com or e-mail [email protected].