Ten reasons why Thailand actually should buy the subs

 

Citizens have been glued to the celebrity story all week as it were a national crisis, and many will be able to repeat the two stars’ words by heart, yet few can tell you what the generals and admirals have said about the submarines. Let me share part of that with you. 

Royal Thai Navy Commander-in-Chief Admiral Kraisorn Chansuvanich told the press this week that the procurement is within the allocated budget and is a matter of “duty” for the Navy. “The public should not criticise us for doing our duty,” he said. 

Everyone, he is saying, must strictly do his duty, and that includes civilians. The taxpayers have no right to object. Correct me if my interpretation is wrong but, as a journalist, I am obliged to scrutinise the submarine deal – that is my duty. 

Forgive me because I’m no expert on weaponry or military affairs, but here’s my assessment of the situation: 10 reasons why we should go ahead and buy the subs.

It’s just way cool to have them. You have to keep in mind the nation’s status quo. If you don’t understand that, imagine buying one or even two Mercedes Benzes and keeping them parked in your garage, never driven.

Most of our neighbours have submarines. Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia and even Vietnam, whose Gross Domestic Product is lower than ours, have subs. As soon as Myanmar can afford them, it won’t hesitate to buy some. How we’ve endured as a submarine-free nation for all these decades is beyond me.

Submarines are must-have items, according to the official Hollywood Theory of Naval Combat and Espionage. A war isn’t even necessary – you just use the subs to spy on your enemies. And how thrilling is that?

Submarines mean greater security. You can argue all you want that Bt36 billion would buy a lot of hospitals – a group called Green Light Thailand reckons it would cover medical treatments, such as defective limb replacement, for 600,000 people – but how on earth does that improve national security?

The subs are an investment in the future. Argue all you want that Bt36 million would buy a badly needed comprehensive facelift for the education system. Harp on about the fact that Thailand’s budget constraints are cutting into student loans and their ability to graduate, get a job and pay back those loans. But how does pouring big money into education help the country stand up to clear and present dangers from overseas, as having our own submarines will? Like Prime Minister Prayut Chan-o-cha has said, we’re not buying the subs to wage war – we just want our sneaky neighbouring countries to realise that we’ve got the torpedo power and we’re ready to use it should any peril arise, you know, just below the surface of the water.

This will put an end to that annoying refugee hassle. With submarines, traffickers in human cargo will recognise that Thailand is serious about protecting its marine territory, so they’d better cart their Rohingya someplace else. And if they do smuggle a boatload of folks into our waters, the subs can tow them back where they belong without any foreign reporters noticing. Gone are days when Thailand was painted as the villain in this story.

This is going to be a dream-come-true not just for Navy personnel but every Thai youngster. With three submarines, the Navy can give the kids great new rides on Children’s Day – underwater! (What could possible go wrong?) And these subs can stay underwater for 21 days. Their parents won’t know how to thank the sailors!

More loving from China: The premier and admirals swear that buying the subs from Beijing has nothing to do with efforts to bolster Sino-Thai relations, but come on – being chosen over other bidding nations is a big fancy feather in China’s cap. Just to show how tickled they are, they’re throwing in free training and a bit of maintenance.

The submarines will once and for all put an end to all the cheap talk that the Gulf of Thailand isn’t deep enough for submarines. First thing we’re going to do is dive straight to the bottom of the Gulf (deliberately, of course) and show them how wrong they are.

This is the answer to global warming. Like climate change itself, this might not seem like a big deal right now, but, once all the ice caps and glaciers melt, the subs will come in very handy indeed. When that day comes, you can decide whether you’d rather have a college degree or a Bt30 session with the doctor instead of a steel-hulled ticket to dryness.