Needed in Thailand, not Washington

I note with disapproval my father’s epistle of November 7, in which he once again disgraces our family name by braying his bawdy, salacious and paleolithic views for all the world to read. I am amazed that The Nation stoops to print such trash from a man who, in his dotage, has clearly become dysfunctional.

But hold! There is yet hope for our flawed species. In a daring deviation from his usual themes, Eric Bahrt suggests the possibility that he might be persuaded to run for president of the United States. “I even once thought of writing my own name in for president,” he informs us shyly.

Well, Eric, you are a bit late, for the job has just been filled for the next four years. But let’s take a look at what a Bahrt presidency might look like.

It would be a potpourri of yins and yangs, a Manichaean mishmash of good and evil. Under the Mandatory Herbivore Act, Eric would outlaw meat-eating immediately. On the upside, that would give us a leaner, trimmer breed of American citizen. Farewell, foul obesity! 

But there is a terrible downside. Iconic American fast-food franchises like McDonald’s, Burger King and KFC would be swept into the trashbin of history. The loss to the economy would be disastrous. Would McTofu, Broccoli King and the new KFC (Kentucky Fried Cabbage) be able to make up the deficit? Little children would be hanged for eating a hamburger. Cows, pigs, chickens and fish would quickly become extinct, because if nobody’s gonna eat ’em, nobody’s gonna breed ’em. The cowboy, once a hero of American mythology, would fall from grace and be anathematised as a low-life, cattle-trafficking dirtbag.

So I hope that Eric will resist the temptation of a presidential bid. America can take care of itself.  Pattaya and The Nation’s letters column need him too much.  

Hadrian Beasley

Pattaya