America's demise imminent (unless it wins World Cup)

When the United States team played Germany on Thursday, Americans were suddenly more interested in soccer than ever before, and were duly rewarded when their boys advanced to the next round. Work absenteeism was rife throughout the Land of the Free Time while the match was in progress, and the Washington Post was there to assure citizens, “Don’t worry, America – President Obama was watching the World Cup during work too”. 

Well, the president’s alleged “work” boiled down to granting an interview to George Stephanopolous of ABC News, who was riding with Obama aboard Air Force One, en route to Minneapolis. They evidently both thought it would be neat to watch the match. Photo tweets ensued from @ABC. And, meanwhile across the Atlantic, Secretary of State John Kerry was watching the same match while attending a meeting in Paris, the Post noted. He must have had time to spare between writing angry letters to the generals in Thailand, perhaps even scoffing at them since Thailand has never been in the World Cup. 

The US, hardly a soccer giant, is doing better at World Cup 2014 than title defender Spain and former champs Italy and England. Not only that, Obama told Stephanopoulos, the World Cup affects policy decisions at the White House. “We had elements – which I won’t detail – of our foreign policy that have been shaped round the World Cup,” ABC quoted him as saying. (Something to do with Thailand again, we’re guessing.)

For the American players, Obama enthused, the last World Cup was “a breakthrough moment”, and Team USA has since moved from “non-factor” to the “middle of the pack”. 

That’s certainly enough to capture the attention of all-American Hollywood star Robert De Niro. According to Business Insider and US Weekly, the “method actor” renowned for taking his work really, really seriously, shut down production on his forthcoming movie “The Intern” during filming in Brooklyn because he absolutely had to see the US-Germany match. 

Warner Bros promptly sent an e-mailed plea around the neighbourhood begging for someone to let Robert De Niro – yes, that Robert De Niro – drop by their home and watch the game “today at 12pm”. The studio offered to “place a small portable satellite dish on the building rooftop ASAP and run a cable to the street to help facilitate this request”. 

Well, that was taking too darn long, so De Niro (who has Italian roots, after all) ended up doing his Raging Bull routine on a randomly selected residence, crashing into the first “viewing party” in Brooklyn he heard about. “He wasn’t going to miss this game!” one of his astounded new friends said. “He’s a true American. And he has no problem hanging out [with commoners] – he enjoyed it.” 

If the US team keeps up its winning ways at the World Cup, we’re very likely to see more American celebrities losing their cool. It might be best for their fellow citizens to have a portable satellite dish in place and the correct channel tuned in just in case. You never know who might drop in.