The life of luxury awaiting jihadists

In a week when police arrested two foreigners for smuggling human body parts and then demonstrated their competence by letting them go because they promised to come back, there was a rich cornucopia of exciting quotes for November 16-22.

But it was would-be Western jihadists who won the gold ring. “The mystery of Islamic State’s foreign fighters”, Opinion & Analysis, November 19, revealed how aspiring Western jihadists quiz their future thugmasters online about the living conditions they may expect to encounter. “How easy is it to get contact lenses there? Are they expensive?” wondered one. “Do you think in the future they will improve wi-fi and stuff?” worried another. “Do u have to cook for yourself and clean everyday?” fretted a third. And finally: “Could you take captured women as slaves?”

I don’t know what answers they got, but I would have answered like this:

“Welcome, young heroes, eager to embrace martyrdom in the cause of uber-Islam!  Yes, we have contact lenses, and will soon have wi-fi and every conceivable amenity awaiting your pleasure out here in the bleakness of the Syrian desert! We will soon have Starbucks, and McDonald’s, and Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell, not to mention smartphones, iPads, high-speed Internet connections, the latest videogames, and every conceivable app. We’ll have flash Japanese toilets to blow-dry your bottoms and round-the-clock maid service to do your cooking and cleaning and cater to your every whim. We’ll have ravishingly beautiful and compliant slave girls to minister to your sexual needs, both normal and perverted. But you won’t enjoy them long, because you’re going to be suicide bombers.”

Let’s hope that the coming days will give us another boffo week for quotes.  

Howard Beasley

(The Quote Guy)