A reminder, as if they need it

Must have thick skin. If criticised by international rights groups, say, “You are not my father.” Delete the word “integrity” from your dictionary. Execute small-time drug dealers within 15 days while leaving the big fish free. Support anti-corruption day vigorously. If needing unscrutinised funds, say, “It’s for flood prevention.” Sell all your massage parlours and enter politics. Expose gambling dens when it suits you. 

Know that democracy is about marketing and PR. Dull the kids’ minds with free computer tablets. Use the lese majeste law on your opponents. When promoting, choose your pals and family over competent people. Say to members of he public that you have their interests at heart. Help your son(s) get away with murder. Don’t study for a degree – buy one. Whenever your playboy sons get into trouble, get them to say, “Do you know who my father is?” 

Incite the mob to shut down the airport or burn a shopping mall. Serve as an executive in energy companies while you are permanent secretary for energy. If someone is investigating your graft, transfer him. If challenged during a reshuffle, transfer that person. Remember that the Department of Special Investigation is an “impartial” organisation. If the country is broke, raise the sin taxes. Again, if you make a mistake, don’t sweat – the public has a short-term memory; they’ve already forgotten the first set of tips.

Edward Kitlertsirivatana

Bangkok