Breasts almost always hunt in pairs

In this titillating report, we are told that a Hong Kong woman assaulted a police officer “with her breast”. Only one breast? I wonder how the lady managed that.

In my admittedly limited experience, breasts tend to come in pairs. Where one goes, the other must necessarily follow. They go together, like Tweedledum and Tweedledee, the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Batman and Robin, ham and eggs, somtam and little black crabs, Thaksin and Dubai, Suthep and demonstrations, elections and bar closures, Prayut and the 6pm interruption of TV programmes.   

Let’s have a little journalistic accuracy here. It is not possible for a woman to attack a police officer with only one breast if, as is normally the case, she is naturally endowed with two.

Later in this confusing narrative we are informed that the police officer’s “hand landed on her left breast”, which would make the hand the aggressor rather than the breast, and that she was “found guilty of using her chest to bump against” his arm. Well, a chest is not a breast, and I know many police officers who would enjoy having a woman bump her chest against their arm, especially if she were well-endowed.  

This whole story is a mess. It requires clarification through a lecture on democracy from JC Wilcox and, most importantly, a Stephff cartoon.

Ye Olde Pedant