Excerpts from the Donald’s inauguration address

Thanks to you, I am now unexpectedly the 45th president of the United States, the most powerful leader in the world. My accusers call me a pathologic liar. They’re wrong. I just don’t always say the truth. I can assure you that, from now on, world politics will never be dull and obsolete. I will keep you in suspense over my every move. 
But I will keep my campaign promises. I will build the Mexican-American wall with your tax money. Don’t worry, though: the next president will be responsible for getting Mexico to pay for it. If it works, I’ll tell the European Union to build another wall to keep out Middle East refugees and let them rot in their own countries. 
I tweet and the world jumps. Big corporations now say they will increase employment here. Alibaba alone has more than one million jobs to hand out. Jack Ma said he’d get back to me with his plans.
 I will stop made-in-China goods from flooding our market. The downside is that you poor consumers will have to pay more for US-made goods and services. That’s a sacrifice you have to make if you want to Make America Great Again. 
My Trump Organisation, with my sons at the helm, will make sure all of you become as wealthy as me – by applying a few simple business tricks from “The Apprentice” TV show. I will increase your spending power by teaching you how to minimise or even avoid paying tax, and if for any reason there isn’t enough paper money around, I will instruct my Treasury Secretary to print more. On trade, I will scrap the TPP agreement and let China take the lead in the RCEP so that they can suffer just like we did. America will enjoy closer ties with Russia after I build a Trump Hotel next to the Kremlin so Putin and I can have easy access to each other. 
Because my instincts are fabulous, we won’t need national intelligence agencies, saving millions of dollars in expenses. I will follow the guidance of my great mentor – a Southeast Asian billionaire who was the first elected leader to serve two consecutive terms in his country – to set our national policy. If things do go wrong after a while, then please understand we just made an “honest mistake”. Finally, my fellow Americans: Ask not what I can do for you, but what you can do for me and the Trump Organisation. Let Trump Bless America.
The Insider