A drink for The Donald
I have the solution to all of America’s problems. Make Donald Trump start drinking. If he got drunk every evening, he wouldn’t be up early the next morning tweeting. He would be slumbering soundly, and the twitterverse would be at peace.
There are few problems in the world that can’t be solved by infusing generous amounts of alcohol into certain people. It is on record that The Donald doesn’t drink because he had a brother who died from drink-related causes. The Donald swore off alcohol and made all his children do the same. None of them will touch alcohol. Not even a little! Not one drink! Not a drop. This is not human. I am sure it is the cause of The Donald’s aberrant behaviour. I’m also sure that even Eric Bahrt, Thomas Turk, this new guy Paul, and all the meat-and-milk-hating fruitcakes and cabbage-chomping vegan nut baskets will agree with the latest scientific studies that show that alcohol is brain food. Whether it comes in the cheapest lao khao, the more prestigious Mekhong whisky, the poshest Johnnie Walker Black, or even that wonderfully democratic leveller, beer, one truth is self-evident: Alcohol is good for you.
At his many rallies, Donnie the Mouth always rants like a drunk in a bar, and he’s not even a drunk in a bar. Lighten up, Don-boy! Have a li’l drinkie or two, or three, or four, get human, and you’ll finally realise that Obama was not born in Ouagadougou, Putin is not your best buddy, the Germans are the best allies you’ll ever get, and reversing climate change might not be a bad idea before we all fry. Embrace the motto of my new group, FOA, Friends of Alcohol: Ex alcoholis lux: “Out of alcohol, light.”
Maybe Melania can talk The Donald into making this seismic improvement in his barren lifestyle. Then maybe we’ll finally get a kinder, gentler, more rational POTUS. Maybe. If only,
Always striving selflessly for the common good,
Horace Beasley
