A prayer for the new year: Let there be hope to guide us

It is to the last category that I belong.
I normally do not believe in New Year’s resolutions. They usually evaporate as fast as acetone and thin air.  The import of a new year as the marker of a new beginning flickers, and the ensuing days settle back into mundaneness. But this year has been particularly challenging, and I found myself struggling to find the sense in life that makes it worthy of living.
On a personal level, health issues resulting from surgery earlier in the year left me with a disobliging right leg. Between the pains that grow by the day and the hospital doctors’ attempts to distemper the problems as mine, not theirs, despair at times turned into fury. The perfidy of those in whom I most trusted destroyed much of my faith in the goodness of mankind. Cynicism and a disquieted heart crept into my existential sphere. Every night brings the sole comfort that the day is over, and every morning my mind spins the time machine faster so the night comes sooner rather than typically.
On the larger front, I lost hope that my country could once again become whole. I lost hope that people would see through the political rhetoric and the lies that spew out of politicians’ mouths like soap bubbles. I lost my hope that decency and integrity would be restored, and that conscience and shame would find their rightful place in the national culture. I lost hope in the ability of the silent majority to make a difference in our collective agenda. I lost hope that the thieves that have been stealing our tax money would be called by their rightful name, “thieves”, not with haughty salutations like “sir”, “madame”, or “excellency”. I lost hope that good deeds would prevail over evil.
It is not inaccurate to say that I went through hell this year, and so I want desperately to find my way back to welcome the New Year. As strange as it may sound, for people who go through hell, this netherworld can easily become a comfort zone. It is entirely engulfing, no matter what they do and how; pains become self-sustaining as they feed on more of the same.
The looming arrival of the New Year gave me a chance to find an excuse to rebel against my warped but real existential agony. I look harder to find a way out of where I have been. After all, what do I have to lose, or to be afraid of? The deep dark pit where I have been is already a most dreadful place.
To my surprise, I found that when I made a conscious effort to look, I could see plenty. I saw what Their Majesties have worked for all their lives, and the people have kept the fire of their dedication burning. Neither of Their Majesties, nor those who genuinely follow their footsteps, expect, or even want, recognition. Their reward is simple – the knowledge that their work, in ways big or small, is for the good of the Thai people.
I heard the words of His Majesty on his 85th birthday that we Thais should learn to love each other again. He has never been one to vacuously talk a good talk; he relentlessly walks the good walk. There has been so much venom and a vicious campaign of lies against Their Majesties, and utter betrayal by people who gave their pledge of upholding the higher call of the national interest, but did otherwise. But His Majesty’s sincere plea for national unity and a kinder spirit underscores a more important call. One can only love again if one can forgive.
I saw people who refused to give in or give up, and stoop to the level that fate had forcefully pushed upon them. Dr Amnuay Viravan, despite his numerous serious health problems, continues to live and learn, and make his life useful and meaningful. He is the ultimate proof that one does not have to take hardship in life lying down. It’s bravery.
I saw Mechai Viravaidhaya and his work with economically deprived students and their communities, and I told myself I had no right to mope. He has never sought the limelight, but worked hard to make things right for rural youngsters. Students at his Bamboo School never have to pay a satang for their education, but they also learn that nothing in life is free. The students make an honest living off the land and with the tools he provides, and “earn” their tuition. They acquire practical knowledge and skills, along with theories. Without subjugating his students to the government’s questionable curricula, he has enabled his students to reach the topmost percentile in national examinations.  He vows that wherever his school goes, there will be no more poverty in the community. And he has proved that he means it, and it’s do-able. The students learn of their rights as well as responsibilities, and the importance of community service. They learn about real democracy, and along the way they understand dignity that stays with them, regardless of the amount of money they have.
I saw Dr Supavud Saichaeu, who is living proof that people do not have to agree on everything, but can remain friends. He is extremely kind without wanting gratitude.  He is unquestionably the best economist Thailand has at the moment, but has never tooted his own horn. Over the years, money and renown have not changed the person he is. He showed me, unceremoniously, the true meaning of being honourable and of amity.
I saw my other half and many friends who remain true through thick and thin. These are people who believe in me and extend their helping hands without being asked. They are the generosity of the human spirit.
I saw my mother who, at the age of 92, is frail, yet I know she will pull me out of the fire with everything she has, despite her weakened limbs and diminishing memory. In her I saw love, unconditional and mighty.
Through them I can see my way out of the fog of pain. Through them and their goodness, I know I must forgive with my heart, not just my head. Everything happens for a reason, and letting go is not as painful as holding on. 
And hope is my resolution and humble prayer for the New Year.