Monitoring the president
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Recently there's been an international uproar over revelations that the US National Security Agency has been secretly listening in on the phone calls of major world leaders, notably German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
Less known is the fact that, in a tit-for-tat move worthy of a really bad spy novel, the little-known Central Asian Republic of Barfistan has been monitoring the phone calls of US President Barack Obama. Barfistani whistleblower Akhmed Tattlovsky shared with me the following exclusive transcript of a recent Obama phone call:
Obama: Malia, this is Dad. How did you do on your algebra test?
Malia: Oh, I did real good, Dad.
Obama (correcting her grammar): You did REALLY WELL, Malia.
Malia: Yeah, that’s what I just told you, Dad.
Obama: What do you mean by really well, Malia? A? A minus? B plus, perhaps?
Malia: I did good, Dad. You don’t need to know the details. But look, I have to do an oral report on current events for my social studies class, and it would be a big help if you told me what you really think of Benjamin Netanyahu.
Obama: I can’t tell you that, Malia. It would be a breach of national security. I can hear John McCain ranting right now. He’d want to impeach me and waterboard you. Maybe waterboard Sasha, too, just for the fun of it.
Malia: Daaaaaad! I’m your daughter!
Obama: No can do, sweetheart.
Malia: Dad, give me just one tidbit on Netanyahu. I’ll scoop the whole class and ace out the entire semester.
Obama: Okay, then. Bibi and I are on the warmest personal terms, although there are variations in our worldviews based on the different strategic and geopolitical considerations that exist between the United States and Israel. However, nothing will ever weaken our eternal alliance, nor diminish in any way the indissoluble bonds of affection and respect that unite our two great nations.
Malia: Yawnsville. Dad, where did you learn to BS like that? Okay, then, Putin. Vladimir Putin. To me he looks like a shifty-eyed weasel. Dish me some dirt on how you feel about him.
Obama: Vlad, as I call him, is pretty good at judo, but I think I could beat him at basketball.
Malia: Dad, you’re no fun. Okay, then, one last thing. Why does the NSA spy on people?
Obama: The NSA doesn’t “spy”, Malia. It observes. It monitors. It surveils.
Malia: I didn’t know “surveil” was a verb, Dad.
Obama: It is now.
Malia: I’ll ask my English teacher and get back to you.
Obama: Just bring me some As, sweet baby. That’s in social studies, algebra, and English too. Over and out.
I complained to Tattlovsky about the lack of anything even remotely interesting in this transcript, and asked him if had ever eavesdropped on Angela Merkel. Yes, he had. And did she prefer beer or schnapps with her wiener schnitzel? He had no idea. But he did mention that Putin likes borscht. With revelations like that, you wonder why the intelligence services bother.
S Tsow can be scolded for abetting this breach of US national security at [email protected].
