A few tips for the new American ambassador

I just took a couple of international relations courses in university a long way back, so you can ask what on earth I think I know about American diplomacy. Well, I guess I have seen enough to share some thoughts with you. All I can say is that, as much as I want to be a lone voice, to stand out as someone who gives you an extraordinary piece of advice, the truth is that many Thais will tell you the exact same thing.

And that’s the whole point. It’s not just me. It’s many, many Thais. There are many, many other Thais who disagree with the first “many, many Thais”, but here’s my two cents: Leave both camps alone. It’s the first thing on the “To-do list” I’ve written specifically for you, which you can choose to ignore if you like, of course:

Stay afloat. Turn a blind eye. Don’t get involved. Whatever it means, “Avoid it like the plague” in diplomatic terms, do it. I can’t tell you not to take sides. Nobody on the face of this planet can be neutral regarding the Thai conflict. You, however, are among an unenviable few who can’t be obvious about it.

Call in sick or take a vacation if need be. People will want to see you. All kinds of people. When in doubt, shut the door, pack your suitcase and fly home to watch a baseball game. If you let them see you, the meeting will be tweeted about in seconds, put on Facebook in minutes and splashed across news websites in hours. Comments will follow, and, trust me, you wouldn’t want to read or know about half of them.

If you feel the urge to comment on a Thai affair, at least check your local news first. Otherwise, you may end up deploring a Thai activist being taken into temporary custody while missing out on an American cop shooting dead an innocent pedestrian just because he is a big, coloured man.

Take a long hard look at the pictures of the Songkran celebrations. Unruly or over-the-top as they appear, such things don’t happen if a country is truly clamped within an iron, dictatorial grip. I’m not saying the current administration is good; I’m only saying there are two ways to portray Thailand – use a textbook or try to look at and understand the realities.

Open your mind. It’s natural to be biased against those who bombard your embassy or country with criticism. My advice is that you should treat criticism as a bitter pill and not get too carried away with the compliments. Everybody is using everybody in the Thai conflict.

A lot of fuss will be made out of your association with North Korea, so the lesser said of it, the better. If you feel a return to a civilian rule comes too slowly for your liking, you may disguise yourself as a farang tourist and do a personal survey across the country. Don’t trust any poll or what academics on either side tell you. If the outcome of your covert survey is consistent with your frustration, read my advice number 1. Keep this in mind: “If the Russian and Chinese ambassadors can do it, so can I.”

In case you really do that personal survey, don’t ask questions like “How do you feel now that the suppression of your rights has been extended?” or “Thailand has been relatively peaceful since the coup, without daily bombing of rally sites and traffic-blocking or violent demonstrations, do you like it this way?”, not least because the same man can reply “I’m mad” to the first question and “Yes” to the second.

It’s okay to tweet or find solace on Facebook, but before your typing fingers can get the better of you, read 1, 3 and 7, or all of the above for that matter. Oh, and there’s a very thin line between trolling and lobbyists’ work on the social media. I just think you should know that. 

When invited to the military government’s functions, make good decisions. If you can’t avoid it (you’ve returned from America or there’s no interesting baseball game on schedule), make it a quick in-and-out operation. Before you join a gala dinner hosted by the military government, practice an unreadable smile, because you surely will have to take photos with Prayut Chan-o-cha and/or some of his top Cabinet members.

There, that’s all I can think of. And again, welcome to Thailand, where your peace of mind will be closely associated with your ability to detach yourself from its unique quest for peace.