My boss did not like me!

Khun Kitti is an IT senior manager of a large Thai company in the telecommunication industry and we had a few coaching sessions during the last three months. Today, he opened the session by complaining that for the last two years he has lost his “mojo” at work due to his direct superior. He said that his boss did not like him. He had already considered quitting his job and leaving the company but changed his mind a couple of times because he still liked his job and more importantly, he needed financial security to take care of his sick mother.
“How can I help you?” I asked once he had finished his story.
“Khun Apiwut, how can I change my boss’s attitude? He’s very bossy and unnecessarily detailed,” he answered.
“Khun Kitti, coaching is not about helping you change others or the environment. It’s about helping you change yourself. Is there anything you would like to change that I can be of help on?” I said in affirming my scope of work and pushing the issue back to him.
“Okay, okay! I’ll change my question. How can I change myself to be able to deal with my boss successfully?” he said, changing his focus with disappointment.
“All right, now I think I can help. Please let me know why this has become the top priority issue for you.”
‘”I would like to be happy,” he said.
“Why is being happy important for you?” I probed, to understand his true purpose.
“My life is not about working only. I have another life as well. When I’m not happy, I can’t sleep well at night and become moody with my family. I need the old me back,” he answered my question after deep thought.
“I got you. Now tell me, Khun Kitti, what made you think your boss does not like you? What did he do or say?”
He then spent a few minutes describing his superior’s behaviour. Based on what I heard, the root cause was mainly a difference in working style. His boss tended to be more task-oriented and needed lots of information before making a decision while Khun Kitti’s style was the opposite.
I candidly told him my thoughts and shared with him what Steven Covey – author of the bestselling book, “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” – said about focusing on what we can control, which he called “Circle of Influence”, rather than spending time on what we have no control over, which he called “Circle of Concern”.
“What can you do about this?” I challenged him to come up with some alternative solutions.
“There are only a few things I can think of. First, I will try to avoid meeting him. Second, if I have to meet him, I will prepare myself more with data and third, because he needs lots of information, I will send him whatever I have beforehand without waiting to be asked for it.” He quickly came up with the alternatives.
“Great, Khun Kitti, what else you can do about this?”
“I don’t know, those were some things I could think of.” He did not show much willingness to think further.
“All right, supposing you know the answer, what else you can do?” I did not give up and pushed it back to him.
He paused for a few moments, then replied, “Maybe, just ignore him, do what he wants and be happy with my life”. He finally came up with one more alternative.
“Okay, great, anything else?”
“Maybe I must tell myself that both him and I are doing it for the company, nothing personal.”
“Excellent! Apart from the options you told me, is there anybody else who can help you on this issue?”
“Umm, next time I might take my subordinate with me so she can help me answer some of my boss’s questions.” He came up with the alternative but from his gesture it seemed to me he might not yet be finished with his thinking process, so I silently waited for more thoughts, which finally came.
“Oh, there’s another person who I should have thought of, my ex-boss. I need to consult him. I’m sure he can give me good advice,” he smilingly finished his sentence.
“Wow! At the beginning of this session, you told me you didn’t know how to deal with your boss. Now you’ve come up with many options. I would like to acknowledge your great effort. How would you like to prioritise these options?”
“I think I would first start by talking to my ex-boss. Second, when I deal with my current supervisor, I need to change my attitude – he and I both do it for company. We have the same goal but different style,” he replied enthusiastically.
“Will doing these two things help you be happier like you wish?” I rechecked the solutions with the objective he set at the beginning.
“Yes, I think so, especially when I change my focus from his behaviour to the goal of the company. Thank you very much, Khun Apiwut, for helping me find the answers.”
“Actually, you helped yourself find the answers, Khun Kitti. You should be proud of yourself.” I credited him on his thinking effort.
He smiled happily, then we moved on to other coaching topics.

Apiwut Pimolsaengsuriya is executive director of Orchid Slingshot and certified coach by International Coach Federation (IFC). Write to him at [email protected]