Hotel puts on show-stopping performance

I wonder whether Constance Beasley would be disposed to sizing-up my functional use of excretory language in the following commentary, written prior to her recent prodigious effusion concerning the language of egestion.

A late-night concert party once again spluttered into the early hours of the morning at Starwood’s St Regis Hotel in central Bangkok.

The overture, “The Arrival of the Garbage Truck”, led the fanfare of the midnight hour. To be fair, the driver conducted his reversing vehicle from the soi along the walkway and down into the fresh-food delivery bay without killing anyone, but it was a pretty close thing. This prolonged and trashy nocturnal medley, which also involved processing and compacting (yes – in the fresh-food delivery area!), created a percussive cacophony of crumbling, tumbling and crunching.

The main item comprised a three-hour multi-movement sinfonia concertante (fartissimo throughout) featuring three illegally parked trucks, including one jumbo “evacuator”, and a long irrigation hose. Connected to the internal underground sewage tanks, the pipe emerged from a staircase adjoining the upmarket though downwind Jo-Jo Restaurant. The sewage suction procedure was long and complicated, a three-hour counterpoint of colour, kak and stench, and the local audience was enraptured by this early morning poop show entitled “The Effluent of the Affluent”. 

Talking of which, an over-inebriated Lamborghini driver presented the solo grand finale by attempting to descend eight parking levels in 30 seconds, possibly in a useless attempt to escape the ever-rising cumulus flatus. The selfish glissando of screeching tyres and revving engine, combined with an occasional toot of the horn, was mind-blowing. “Moron, moron!” the raving crowd cheered.

As the cock crowed, a sunrise haze and a belch of unsanitariness pervaded the entire area, stimulating the olfactory perceptors just in time for a wholesome breakfast. A fitting encore to a sleepless night’s entertainment, all photographically recorded of course for legal compliance. How lucky one is living next door to such high-level sophistication and detritus!

John Shepherd

Bangkok