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And, finally, an effing phabulous idea

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Connoisseurs of language will be pleased to know that I have discovered a way to make the F-word respectable.

You will notice that Donald Trump has made the word “shithole” respectable through presidential use. Newspapers are no longer afraid to print it, although they sometimes replace the i with an asterisk out of journalistic prudishness, as in “sh*thole.”
To sanitise the F-word, we revert to what I presume to be the French spelling, because French is always more elegant than English. The French spelling would be “phuque.” This appears in common French expressions as “Phuquez vous!” and “What the phuque!” and “Have you been phuquing my wife?” If bluenoses object to the pronunciation, which would be the same as the F-word, we simply tweak it a bit and pronounce it “ferk”.
The island of Phuquet might want to take advantage of this innovation in their tourism advertisements, because I presume tourists do a lot of it down there.
I do not expect to be rewarded for my genius, but will not refuse a reward (a knighthood, perhaps?) if offered.
P.S. In keeping with the tradition of slagging other contributors to this column (Dr. Frank, take note!), I hope this gets up the nose of that insufferable twit, Ye Olde Pedant. Enjoying my sixth beer of the evening,
Horace Beasley

Published : February 02, 2018